Extremes

Do you ever wonder how you ended up in your exact location at a specific moment in time? ‘Cause I do all the time. I think about what decisions I made to lead me up to that precise moment.

Sometimes the thought goes like this, “Wow this is awesome! Great job past Aulani for making such fantastic decisions!”

And sometimes the thought goes like this, “Umh… so exactly what did you do to get here, my dear? I think you were supposed to go right back there, but you decided taking a left down the unsanitary back alley that smells like urine was a better idea. Sure, go ahead and blame Siri. You know the truth.”

Lately I feel like I’ve been oscillating back and forth between these extremes. No matter how hard I try to dig my heels into normal territory, I somehow end up on an opposite end of the spectrum trying to figure out how I got there.

In the first scenario, I try to figure out how to stay put. In the second scenario, I try to figure out how to get the eff out. And it always makes me question… Is this right? Did I miss the boat of normalcy back in my twenties, so now I am destined to meander the streets of bizarre for the rest of my days? ‘Cause I’m not even a year into thirty, and already I’m wondering what hell is going on up in here.

As a kid I remember thinking that adults had everything figured out. Okay maybe not all of them, but the ones I knew definitely did (Ha!). It wasn’t even a thought so much as I never questioned that they had all the answers. An equally diluted subliminal thought was that when I grew up, I would have the answers too.  Sure I rebelled, and did the whole rambunctious teenage girl thing (God bless you Mom and Dad), but I still thought it was all part of a process leading up to a euphoric understanding of life. And just like I was completely wrong about that as a kid, I continue to be completely wrong about a lot of things as an adult.

And then somewhere deep in my confusion and completely off base (I hope) crazy cat lady grown up Aulani scenarios (dear God, I hope not), God reminds me that it’s okay. And it sounds something like this, “Whoa, little one, chill out. You’re fine. I’m still working on you and with you, and everything is going to be just fine. Trust me.” Oh. Okay.

Because everyone makes some bad decisions. Even (or especially?) those adults I thought had it all figured out when I was a kid. So what’s the silver lining?

I have no idea.

Right now I’m just trying not to turn each of my bad decisions into a habit because goodness gracious that is pretty darn easy for me to do. That, and daily recognizing that I am an incredibly blessed person with people in my life that understand me, forgive me, pray for me, hope for me, and unconditionally love me… And I bet if you think about it, you are too.